I’m staring at the cold floor of the treatment room. There is familiar artwork on the walls here which reminds me I’m in a normal place, a place where my friends have been. He is looking over my images and reports, and my husband is with me because he participates in all things, but I can’t make any sentences I just space out looking at the cold floor. When he comes back in the room he’s only halfway through the door with a printout for me; he says “how long can you keep up this diet and herbs routine?” He proceeds to congratulate me on roughly 30% shrinkage, saying that he has not ever seen “the natural route” yield results. He asks the name of the Naturopath and Acupuncturist, and is genuinely surprised that I have become such a smaller version of myself. I don’t really receive the compliment, because I’m sure there’s a but…
There’s no but.
It occurred to me only last night that the smaller they are the better chances I have of keeping my uterus in tact and using it in my future. Smaller may not be enough, smallest is the only option that really bears the fruit I want. So if there is more than one way to shrink these punks, i need it. Even if its a pharmaceutical. When I reveal my thought process to him, he agrees that its the best option and he seems pleased that i came to it on my own thinking. I really wanted it to be his fault though. I wanted him to say “well kate, this has been a fun experiment, but i think its time for the big guns”. He didn’t say “your clock is ticking, you better get going in the family direction if you’re going”, and he wasn’t in a hurry to get to the next patient. He talked scotch with my husband, and we laughed about what a funny character a mutual friend is. He is not the bad guy.
So I’ve scheduled my Lupron Injection for right after we come home from France, and my surgery 8 weeks after that. The Lupron shuts down hormone production (giving the patient false menopause) and without the estrogen to feed off of the fibroids shrink by 50% in just 8 weeks. So I have 12 more weeks of this diet reducing the size of my unwanted growths, coupled with the drug I should have tiny little pearls that need to be removed. Which will be really easy on my uterus, and the recovery will be faster, and then I can get to the baby carrying part.
It all sound so matter of fact. Its a plan. We’ve made our decision. Lets proceed. I feel powerful that the intention i made to shrink them, and the work I put into that was successful. All that time I was thinking that I was doing it to avoid the chemical shrinker. Feels like i might have been lying to myself, but i was so focused I couldn’t see a bigger picture. Truth is I”m scared. Scared of taking injections, of turning off my hormones, of being cut open, of taking time off work, of not being a strong dancer again. The thing I’m more scared of is not having a baby, which I’ve been hoping would be my blessing almost as long as I’ve been alive. Some of you remember when I was 7 and telling people what I will name my babies. So with fear I step into a strange new chapter of my life where everything becomes about my insides, and what doctors think of them.
If you are reading this and you have fibroids, and you have a couple years to spare before you want to grow a human inside you: Go Paleo, be strict, and maybe you can shrink them to nothing. See a naturopath for supplements that will help you make the most of your digestion, and an acupuncturist for Chinese herbs and treatments that make you feel like you can win. You can. I just did.
If you are reading this and you have had babies after fibroids, please message me. I’m craving reports of success.
If you are still reading this and you have nothing in common with my uterine journey, you must be doing it because you love me. Thanks. I can feel that. All that positive energy, all those thoughts you have of caring about my guts, and what weird thing i might tell you about them next. I seriously love how not alone I feel. You rock, buy yourself something nice for being so nice to me-or open a bottle of champagne. (that’s what we did after this appointment) ooooh oooh, i’m going to end with a lyric from Stephen Kellogg’s song Gravity.
“Celebrate, before it’s too late
Your fear of the future’s your greatest mistake
Here’s a song, we sing it out loud
And ain’t nothing as sweet as the sound of a crowd”