I’m one of those people who are especially enchanted with the changing of the seasons. I mark on my calendar the first flip flop day of summer, the first tree to change its leaves mesmerizes me, the first snow is marked with baking and reading and hot drinks. Today I took my wee beastie Pony for a nice long walk to settle us both down. I saw garden beds caked with brown dead matted down leaves with little purple and white crocus bulbs bravely peeping up. Daffodils will be here before you know it, the brown seemingly dead trees and bushes have tiny tiny green buds, its happening guys-SPRING IS SPRINGING. For me it was a particularly long winter and I welcome this season with big open eyes and ears. I’ve been so restless lately, even my hands are twitchy, and my heart has been beating with this new wrong rhythm. I am ready for new things to occupy my mind, things that don’t have to do with my guts.
“Anatevka, Anatevka…intimate, obstinate, Anatevka”
I’ve had this song stuck in my head today, its at the end of Fiddler on the Roof when they have been forced out of their town and are packing up to leave the only home they have ever known. I am not at all comparing my situation to the plight of exodus, I had abdominal surgery, its not even close. All I’m saying is that I have this song in my head.
“Tumble-down, Work-a-day Anatevka.”
Anyways like I said I’ve been restless lately. I told my groom that I wished I could go back to college to become a high school english teacher. (That day, I did want that) Now it seems like way too much work. I’ve been looking at flights, and dreaming of buying a house, and maybe we should get another dog. Part of this is that I’m just scared that after all of this preparation the baby thing won’t work out. (wow, I can’t believe I just said that) The other part is…
Well let me go back a little bit. Tuesday I went to see a new Naturopathic Doctor, nothing wrong with my first ND just thought it might be good to have a fresh set of eyes on the issue. She was very doctor-y and medical-ish and I liked her a lot because she told me to drink Pregnancy Tea, and take Pre-natal vitamins and I’m like “yeah, that stuff!” She took my blood right there in her office and sent it to be analyzed. Turns out I have this high level of thyroid hormone in my body which means my thyroid is suppressed. I’m pretty confused at how it can be suppressed and have high levels-that seems counter-intuitive. Whatever. I have an appointment with an endocrinologist next week.
So side effects of this thyroid thing are: thumping heart, shaky hands, restlessness, fatigue, and weight loss despite a good appetite. I thought all of those things were just part of recovering from surgery, and detoxing that Lupron injection from back in September. I feel glad that my “symptoms” are in fact symptoms and can be explained. Now I’m just annoyed that I have to think about my guts more. I’m over it.
“after all what have we got here? a little bit of this, a little bit of that.”
My Lenten commitment is giving up good parking, and parking in the back, and using the time it takes me to walk in to wherever I parked to be spiritual and stuff. At first all my prayers were a wishlist of things I want to happen to me and to my people. Next my prayers were gratitude and joy at all the love and provision God has blessed me with. Both I think are good prayers, and I’ve always known that while God is an artist and likes well done things He isn’t particularly impressed with long sentences. I have turned to praying familiar Psalms as I walk in from my far parked car . Its not original but it keeps me from being apathetic. (which I would like to be sometimes, because all the feels are so many feels.) But I won’t do that, I can’t, I’m not that girl.
I will warn you, its melancholy, but I love it.
“Where else would Sabbath be so Sweet”