It’s the light. There’s this specific quality of light, that makes me nostalgic; of what, I’m unsure, but it’s reminiscent of a time in my life when I wasn’t worried about everything. I get this feeling some times, when the light is right, and I feel at ease. It’s usually near sunset, the sky is usually clear, and I’m moving slow enough to recognize its presence . Today I’m eating an apple and driving through the glowing rolling hills of southern Oregon. I’ve had this feeling throughout my life and each time I silently refer to it as a California Minute. It’s almost a deja-vu, and I can’t answer to why California gets credit for it.
I can’t be sure this is the image that represents the light I’m explaining. It is however the best representation I was later able to gather from the images I took. All I’m saying is “don’t quote me on this” this light, this landscape this moment. Difficult to capture to say the least.
I’ve just spent the weekend with my family, nuclear and extended. This can be a tense time for anyone. We are all representatives of different age groups and generations, and opposite ways of life, and political views, and different kinds of confidence and insecurity. I often feel like the weirdo in the room, in any room, and especially in my family. I’m just different. I left this gathering with a broader understanding of the word different. We’re all pretty different. If we are clever enough to adjust our perspective we can see all the differences not as obstacles but as stepping stones to appreciation. My groom is new to this family compared to me, and so he has a fresh ever so slightly unbiased vantage point.
There’s a saying that goes “we accept the love we think we deserve”. In my case I was accepting judgement and criticism that the weird one deserves. (Calm down Kate.) I put my mind to receiving love even if i didn’t think it was being given. This weekend I chose to accept love from my family, they may love me in ways that are unrecognizable to me, but that doesn’t disqualify it.
I usually take my rare California Minutes as a sign that I’m on the right track somehow. Like a divine moment where I hear from my creator “yeah Kate, like that. You’re doing it kid.” A vote of heavenly confidence has been cast in my favor. Alas the details are in the fabric. So the rest of the sunset I just marveled at the colors and shapes of the landscape of my beloved state. Right up till the gas light came on in the middle of the mountain pass. Turns out existentialism is fine, but must be balanced with practicality.Even Priuses need gas. We held our breath, almost literally, as if quiet and focus could make the gas last longer… and it did. Home safe in my little home in the mountain town I love.