As i have tried to make my journey transparent it seems necessary to tell you how i am processing this last week before surgery. I cry a lot. Usually without provoking. I speak out loud “its going to be okay” every time i worry. Also: So many hot flashes (because of the Lupron injection, it seems to be in its prime). I like to imagine that the fibroids shrink a little with each flash. I dress in layers so that I can withstand the constant heat from within my body and then cover back up when the reality of our current temperature, 36 degrees, hits my flesh.
i have so much to be thankful for. I do try to focus on the positive. I receive every word of encouragement that comes my way, every “you’re going to do great”i take to heart and let it sink in. I have prepared as much as i think one can for such a transition. But i’m not ready…i don’t want to…waaahhh. I feel like this.
One of the things that seems crazy to me is how seriously my tribe is taking my surgery. Everyone is so kind to listen to my complaints and offer to help and honestly ask how i’m doing. There are terrible horrible injustices and tragedies taking place across the headlines of our news. Awful things that really matter and should truly warrant friendsgiving dinner discussions; and here i’m carrying on about having an operation on my uterus and my people are listening as if it was very important. i’m trying to keep myself in perspective, to let the thing be small. The longer the date takes to arrive the less small my uterus seems. If you are the owner and operator of a uterus you may know how very not small they sometimes seem.
I’m scared of any number of things that might happen. I don’t like to admit that i will need help sitting on the potty because my abs have been sliced open and are healing. I fear that my sweet groom will tire of taking care of me and hold my weakness against me in years to come. I’m Truly disinterested in depending on the generosity of my closest people to get me through this. The stretching of my boundaries has begun and its uncomfortable. I’m scared of being needy, of being incapable of doing my favorite things, of missing out on all the cool holiday parties. I’m just a mess guys.
Here is right where i see Jesus.
I cannot understand what He is doing, which does not make me distrust Him. Confident that there is a bigger picture, a greater good, a story whose ending is not in focus, i lay my head down on my pillow tonight. I rest easy, with my eyes closed and my trust expanding. I can not choose every adventure, I can choose to live every moment of this chapter with joy. yeah. i said joy. call me cray.
When my babies are old enough to understand sentances tell them i gave up cheese so they could grow in my womb. Tell them i was scared to have surgery. Tell them i hoped they would join my family even though i’m a weirdo. Tell them i loved them before they existed, before they could ever get grounded, or spanked, or lectured. Tell them i faced my insecurities and fears and laid them down at the throne for them.
I’m going to sleep now. I’m going to dream absurd Lupron dreams. (that is is its own post, so many odd dreams) I’m going to freak out sometimes this week and maybe the weeks that follow, please have grace with me. I’m doing the best i can to hold it together. I’m going to smile a lot also, sometimes when i’m alone. Sometimes you fall on your head, some times your head falls on you, in the end there’s no apologies. thank you to my community for not making me feel like an idot. especially to my groom for constantly reassuring me that everything is going to be ok, (some one say that to him this week) i picked the right guy to be in the foxhole with.