Its been 5 weeks without dairy entering my mouth-hole. with the love and support of my friends and my fabulous partner i have survived. The acupuncturist says i have a dampness in my body that is creating excess phlegm, and that’s why i have fibroids. Cheese is the main perpetrator of dampness. I’m taking something like 21 supplements with breakfast, 2 with lunch and 11 with dinner. I’m also collecting my saliva in tiny vials to be mailed off and analyzed by hormone scientists. Also i must mention that i’m drinking a tincture of many many many herbs half an hour before each meal. My new healthcare regime has become quite high maintenance. I’m doing breathing exercises in my garden most mornings and trying to go to bed at a respectable hour. I’m very aware of everything pertaining to my body, and its starting to feel self focused.
But that’s not all. the world keeps turning, and time keeps ticking, and life keeps handing us things.Someone i love lost their brother to suicide, another loved one was diagnosed with ALS, and my lovely father in law is making progress in his healing from the scare in February where we almost lost him. I try not to carry these things, as they are not mine. What i try to do is make sense of suffering, of pain, of loss. I think of Jesus in the garden the night before he was betrayed. “Father everything is possible for you.Take away this cup from me; yet not as i will but what you will.” My prayers are often similar, i find that i’m begging for healing for my friend with ALS. “do a great miracle” i say “this is your chance to shine” i say with my most persuasive tone. What is the Father took the cup of suffering from his son…what if Jesus did not die . Where would all of humanity be? If you believe what i believe about the Cross, that the purpose was for Him to defeat death once and for ALL, the history and future of humanity would be drastically different. What i hope this means about my lumpy uterus and the bad news i find around each corner, is that suffering is worth something. But what i know that it means, is that God knows suffering. He gets it, because he did some suffering while he was here.
Why does that matter? Because the creator of the universe, gets me. He walked among us experiencing the human condition, even the unjust treatment that was his brutal death. I keep saying “its not fair” and He knows that. I can’t explain why he doesn’t save us from these gross unfairities. (yeah i make up words when i’m passionate,ok?) The other thing is that God is God, i’m just kp. Do i know how to “keep the sea inside its boundaries, and clothe it with clouds, and wrap it in thick darkness” have i ever “commanded the morning to appear and caused the dawn to rise in the east” nope. I just brush my teeth and drink coffee in the morning. For now I will let Him just be Himself, and i’ll just be me. Little old whiny, begging, me. Complaining about giving up cheese and ice cream for a while. The God i worship knows things i do not know, could not know, probably don’t want to know. What I know is that My name is Katharine, and I am not alone. Not. Alone.