not wishing for rain , though I stand in the desert

every day this week was like its own week. Tiny little pokes of light in between what seemed like a constant deluge of water falling from the sky. usually i like the rain, cleansing and renewing and all that jazz. But this week it felt like the weather was playing out my heart story. today, saturday, is a new day the forecast is sunshine and only a few clouds. The sky is a strange bright grey right now, and everything in my desert landscape is green! This also matches my insides.

Several people reached out to me after i wrote my first post, which is honestly what i was hoping for. voices of guidance and stories of hope and a whole bunch of “we’re on your team” which made me feel like this is not that bad after all. Neither of the Dr’s i saw said i can’t have babies, no one told me i have a weird unknown disease, no one said they couldn’t operate. In fact what they said was i think you have a pretty good chance at getting your dreams here. Cue the Wicked Soundtrack Flashback…

Though it is, I admit
The tiniest bit
Unlike I anticipated
But I couldn’t be happier
Simply couldn’t be happier
Well – not “simply”
‘Cause getting your dreams
It’s strange, but it seems
A little – well – complicated
There’s a kind of a sort of : cost

One of the things that was heavy is that the Dr. wants me to take this drug that will shrink the fibroids to a more surgically triumphant size. As they are now everything in there is a jumbled mess and difficult to decipher whats what, and who’s the perpetrator and who’s the warden. I’m not a super big fan of injecting drugs into my body. I like hippie stuff like diet and nutrition and essential oils and herbs and NOT DRUGS. This particular medicament gives you menopause symptoms including but not limited to….hours of research later i’m terrified. I begin (again) to research alternate ways to shrink the beasts. Which I have already tried to do for two years with the opposite result. Cue the Ramona and Beezus line…

I’m about to say a really bad word.

GUTS! guts,guts,guts!

Friday night, at the very end of the night,at the last possible minute of the night I hear the words that I was looking for all week.

“How was your appointment Monday Kp?”

“Good except He wants me to take this drug to shrink them”

“Oh, Lupron? I did that, for a year, and if i hadn’t i wouldn’t have been able to have kids”

But…but, your normal and your 3 pregnancies were healthy, and you don’t have a long list of strange symptoms that never went away and changed your life forever. Oh. Ok. Living testimony is worth its weight in gold. I’m only asked to take it for 2 months. Don’t you think for a second that i’m not going to spend my summer making tree bark tea, and snake venom supplements, and whatever else my naturopath suggests will help me win the war against my own body.(don’t worry mom, i made those up) After I’ve tried all those things, I may have to take the drug after all. If I do, i have a compatriot to commiserate with; and 3 kind of fabulous humans to watch grow as a reminder that for this one person, it worked. For me it is possible.

So today, we eat bacon, and we drink hot coffee, and we dance. Because today there’s a sploosh of sunshine on my sprouting garden and there is a chance i may just thrive after all. My groom says to me “you look like you’re ready to kick some ass, don’t go all super trooper on me, i want to help too.”  Ok then, lets get at it.


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